


i'll be here when it's all done

by benditlikepress



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, not set after a fixed episode but imagine they're all reunited and living in paris, post-reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22131910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benditlikepress/pseuds/benditlikepress
Summary: Two weeks after Ziva arrives in Paris, Tony heads back to work. It isn't as simple as it sounds.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 17
Kudos: 81





	i'll be here when it's all done

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Safetysuit - Find a Way. Inspired by a piece of dialogue from season 2 episode 2 of Ashes to Ashes, details in the endnote. 
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes!

"Are you leaving?"

Tony looked away from the wardrobe and towards the bed. Ziva had turned towards him, hair messy from tossing and turning. The covers were pulled up under her chin, her hand holding them tightly.

"5 minutes. I was trying not to disturb you."

"You should have done. I wanted to be awake to wish you luck."

He picked his suit jacket from the hanger and shrugged it on.

"It's OK. You still aren't sleeping."

Tony's heart flickered a little with concern as he watched her dip her eyes away from his, wiping sleep from the corners.

"Sorry if I woke you up again."

"It's fine, really."

"Tali wanted to make you breakfast."

"She did. Well, she dropped milk all over the rug and then started crying. A little cliché, but.."

Ziva's smirk was a sympathetic one. "She and I will make you dinner after we pick her up from the childminder after school. You are not allowed to lift a finger. She wants to do something nice for you."

“Not gonna argue with that. Shoes, shoes..” Tony muttered to himself looking around the floor for his dress shoes, which he hadn’t worn now in the few weeks since he’d been off work. He eventually saw a toe poking out from under the bed and bent down to pull them out, shuffling his feet into them and sitting on the edge of the bed to tie the laces.

"So Tali and I must leave at 8:05, yes?"

Ziva's voice was purposeful but the question made Tony hesitate. He didn't feel good about both of them going back to work and school on the same day and leaving Ziva alone when she was still settling in.

"Maybe I should take another couple of days off. They'd understand."

"No," Ziva's voice was forceful as she sat up properly in bed. "No, I will not allow you to. I mean it, Tony. I feel guilty enough already disrupting your life like this. Tali and I will both be fine."

He watched her face for a moment, the stern line of determination she had set her lips in.

"8:05, yeah. It would probably take you 5 minutes by yourself but god forbid Tali DiNozzo has to walk fast in the mornings. Call me when you drop her off, OK? And if you need anything."

"I will be fine, Tony. You only have one child."

"I know. But it's still my job to protect you."

Tony stood up in front of the mirror to do his tie but his hands were out of practice and his mind distracted. Ziva put a finger through a belt loop and pulled him lightly backwards and he turned around to find her fingers grabbing the ends of his loose tie. She tied the knot precisely and then pulled to tighten it, adjusting it so it fell straight under his collar.

She ran fingers down the tie a few times, smoothing it over his shirt.

It was new, this thing between them: tentative and honest, trust and old bonds somehow still connected in spite of everything.

"What is it exactly that you do at work?"

The question was so banal, so absurd in the context of their relationship, that it made Tony laugh out loud.

"I'm like the go-between for the French police and international agencies, helping them work together. Kinda like a liaison officer, except with less shooting and less flirting with NCIS agents." Tony accentuated his point with a kiss to Ziva's cheek as he stood back up and she rolled her eyes.

"Do you enjoy it? Being out of the field?"

"It's.. it's taken a little getting used to, but it's OK. I have different priorities now."

For as long as he could remember, catching bad guys had been Tony's purpose in life. The one thing he'd had going for him when he'd been searching for direction in everything else. And he still did that - he just didn't have to put his life on the line every day to do so. He missed the excitement, sometimes, but it was worth it if he meant he could get home safe and at a reasonable hour to spend time with Tali.

Work really had been understanding. 18 months in and Tony was still getting used to having a 9-5 job for the first time in his life, and whenever the situation with Ziva had flared up he had been at a loss for how to explain it.

'I need some time off because my daughter's mother who is also the love of my life who I've never actually dated before has just returned after faking her own death for 3 years' probably wasn't an option on the leave request forms.

Thankfully someone from NCIS, he assumed Director Vance, had made some calls when Ziva was on her way back for good. He wasn't sure how much he'd told them, but it had gotten him 2 weeks full paid leave and a flexible return after that. Though he was back today, he had Tuesday and Thursday off.

He hadn’t mentioned work, hadn’t even thought about it until they’d been sat in a café on Friday afternoon and Ziva had asked when he was due back. He had tentatively explained that provisionally they had expected him back on Monday, but it was negotiable, and after a second of pause she had shook her head and told him the time was right.

He had checked with her a few times after that, but she was certain as she was now. He had to go back sometime. His instincts were to stay home anyway, not take no for an answer. But if Ziva said she needed to do this, he had to listen.

For as much as Ziva had changed (and she had, in countless ways, and Tony knew he had too), she was still Ziva, and they had to meet each other halfway. It was hard to take her at her word after all the times she had tried to hide her feelings from him, but it was the only way they could make a go of this.

She was trying. He was too.

"Tali's had breakfast, bag and shoes are by the door. She needs to get dressed and she wants you to braid her hair, I said you'd so it so long as she doesn't wake you up until 7:30. Call me, OK? Maybe try and get some sleep once she’s at school."

"I will not be able to once I've been outside."

"Alright, well, have fun anyway. I'll see you at 5:30."

Tony hovered awkwardly in front of her for a few moments until she raised her hands, placing them either side of his face and pulling him down towards her. She kissed him with purpose, tapping him on the chest as she moved away from him and lay back down. “Have a good day.” Her voice was quiet as she turned on her side and pulled the covers back up.

He avoided looking back as he left the room, closing the door quietly and entering the living area to find Tali where he left her on the sofa watching cartoons.

“OK, honey, I’m going to work now. Ima’s going to take you to school and then we’ll both come and pick you up from the childminder’s tonight. That sound good?”

Tali was still dazed with sleep: it always took her a long time to come-to on the mornings, and she always acted a lot younger than her five years.

She nodded and rubbed her eyes clumsily with the back of her hand. She was clutching Kelev tightly, and when Tony bent down to give her a kiss goodbye she ended up squashing him into his cheek.

The journey to work was quiet, and unexpectedly lonely. Tony turned on the radio and cranked up the music, but it didn’t detract from the grey skies and wind outside and the quiet he felt surrounding him. He’d made this journey alone hundreds of times, but it never felt quite like this.

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t felt lonely since he and Tali settled in Paris. In fact, it was probably one of his primary emotions if he was being honest. Tali was in a good school, and she had activities and friends here, and that had stopped him making any rash decisions about heading back to the US. But he spent most nights after she went to sleep alone – watching films he’d seen before or, more often, thinking about Ziva and what she was doing. He’d tried to make an effort with some of the guys at work and the parents from Tali’s school but it wasn’t the same; they weren’t _his_ people, they didn’t understand him like Ziva or McGee or even Jimmy did.

It might be better now Ziva was around and he had some actual adult company, he thought as he pulled into his parking spot. Then, he didn’t know if she would want to stay in Paris in the long-term anyway. Another thing to add to the list of things they still needed to talk about.

The list wasn't physical, but it didn't stop Tony running through it mentally as he bustled his way into the office, up the cramped elevator journey and across the floor to his desk where the phone was already ringing in wait of his arrival.

A pile of meeting requests, post-it notes, and online calendar entries had piled up in his absence, along with an impressive 127 emails.

He tried to put the ruminations on hold as he checked through everything and prioritised the most urgent work but it seemed fruitless - mind wandering again and again as people stopped to welcome him back and he methodically worked his way down his inbox, flagging important messages.

He was sure he used to find it easier to ignore what was going on in his head when he was at work during his NCIS days, but maybe it was just that this was too heavy to try and put to one side. The reality of Ziva coming home had truthfully hit him like a ton of bricks, as much as it had her. He was terrified, and sceptical, and he didn't sleep most nights. And he was old, too - some days seemed to add weeks to him. But as much as that were true, and as much as it sounded contradictory, he also felt more at peace than he had done in a very long time.

While he wanted to be home because he was worried, he also wanted to be home to just _be there_ ; to hang out and talk and spend time together like they'd been denied for so long.

Which is why, when Ziva's name flashed on his phone, there was a little excitement mixed in with the trepidation. He sprang out of his chair, ducking towards the back of the room and into his empty office, shutting the door behind him before answering.

"Hey."

"Hey, it's me. I just dropped Tali at school." Ziva’s voice was breathy and distracted.

"She OK?"

"Yes, as soon as she got inside the gates she ran inside. Barely stopped to say goodbye."

"How about you? You sound a little upset."

"Not upset. Just.." Tony heard Ziva take a deep breath. "I know she is in school, and she is safe. I know that. But it is like if I leave I am.."

"Where are you?"

"Stood on the road outside."

"OK, well how about I stay on the line until you get home. You don't have to talk, I'll just be there."

"No, you are at work. I was just calling because you asked me to."

"I'm not gonna be able to work either way now, so you may as well just let me."

There was a brief moment of silence on the other end of the line. "OK. I am crossing the road now."

"Good. And Tali's safe at school. She has swimming today."

"Is she a good swimmer?"

"She's like Ariel. She loves it."

"Ariel, huh?" He heard a laugh from the other side of the phone that made him relax a little. "Your movie references have changed."

"Tali can be very opinionated when it comes to what movies I'm allowed to watch."

"I am sure that is exactly how you like it."

"Being wrapped around her little finger? Sure."

Ziva chuckled. "You like that she is a daddy’s girl. We can watch one tonight, if you like, after Tali and I make dinner. Your choice."

"Today really is my lucky day, huh?"

"Do not get used to it."

"Message received."

Tony could still hear Ziva's energy returning back to more manageable levels. "Are you at your desk?"

"My office, actually."

"You have an office?"

"Uh-huh. I don't use it, though. Makes me feel self-important."

"Then what is your usual reason for feeling like that?"

"Ha-ha. No, I don't know. I think I just like to be in the action. I got someone to move my desk into the bullpen, so this is pretty much just a sparse filing room. You'll have to come visit one day, I can show you around."

"Ah, it locks from the inside, yes?"

Tony chuckled, memories of discussions from a bygone era. "Maybe.. but I can introduce you to people. Prove that you actually exist."

"What do you say about me?"

"Oh, y'know, buccaneering tales of an ass-kicking young NCIS agent - turned - Tali's mom. I was always coy with details about who you are and where you were for obvious reasons; I think at one point I actually used the word 'classified' when someone asked what it was you were doing. Very James Bond of me. But then Orli Elbaz came to HQ for a meeting and everyone saw the Director of Mossad greet me like a long-lost son and asking after Tali, and ever since then they think you're some kind of exotic superspy."

"I would hate to ruin the illusion."

"I could kinda use the street cred."

"I doubt that very much, Tony."

They made conversation for a while, Ziva asking Tony about his plans for the day and Tony laughing out loud as he heard her complain about a reckless driver passing her on the street. Her breathing steadied as they talked, and he could hear the tension releasing more and more as she stopped focusing on thoughts of Tali and walked the short journey home.

"I can see the apartment block now."

"You're OK?"

"Distracted. Thank you."

"Alright, well call if you need anything."

"Enjoy your day. I love you."

"Love you too. See you later."

The words made Tony's chest tighten as he heard them, still so new and almost unexpected. Coming from Ziva, they were extra special.

He spent much of the morning watching his phone out of the corner of his eye. He put it in a desk drawer after briefing but got it out again 5 minutes later feeling guilty. He'd convince himself 'if there's a problem, she'll call', and then almost immediately psych himself out and convince himself the opposite - that no, she wouldn't call, and so maybe he should call her to check in.

Maybe anxiety was infectious when it's someone you care about that's suffering. Maybe he was just over-protective. It seemed justified; everything that had gone on in the last couple of years.

They'd spent the last 2 weeks getting reacquainted. Tali had flitted between over-excited and nervous as she regaled Ziva with every story she could think of, sometimes repeating the same ones 3 or 4 times (though Ziva reacted the same way every time). They took her round museums and parks and both of them tried to remain upbeat and energetic even though they lay awake every night, talking by the light of Tony's bedside lamp.

Ziva told him everything. It had taken her a couple of days to get through everything from start to finish, but she did it without trying to hide things or bend the truth to protect him. She was upfront about her own mental health too, eventually - it wasn't until she was halfway to a panic attack that she told him about the anxiety, and he'd been scared out of his mind though he hoped he didn't show it. He'd never seen her like that before.

It would've been hard to hide if she hadn't told him. She'd had several of them now. There were nightmares too - she kept waking him up, sometimes several times a night, sobbing or shouting or thrashing in her sleep. Some nights she didn't even get that far: he'd wake up in the morning and she'd be lying so pristinely it would be clear she hadn't slept a wink.

She’d asked him a lot of questions about his own life, too. Tony mainly told her about Tali, and when Ziva specifically asked about himself he struggled, realising starkly how much of his life now revolved around his daughter.

They might have been more honest in the past 2 weeks than they had been in the past 15 years.

* * *

William, a lieutenant in his 30s who sat opposite Tony, asked him if he wanted to join ‘the others’ for lunch. He may have expected Tony to say no; he did sometimes, but Tony was grateful of the distraction as he pocketed his phone and wallet and stood up to leave with them.

Though they always made an effort to include him, and Tony did genuinely like the people he worked with, it was proving to be difficult to get used to being the older one in the office. He felt he'd always kept pace with Ziva and McGee and Bishop in spite of his numerical advantage over them, but now the gap had got wider. In Tony's experience, law enforcement could be surprisingly immature when it came to social and romantic relationships, and this meant that he often found himself thinking about laundry and recitals while surrounded by endless talk of dysfunctional relationships and casual sex. How times change.

There were exceptions to every rule, of course - Eugenie, raised Christian, married at 23, staring at him sympathetically as he picked at his burger.

"So, Tony, everything is OK at home? I heard that your wife has finished her undercover assignment."

The gossip trail was a little off-base, but Tony had honestly been willing to let people believe whatever they wanted to. It had probably been safer, in fact, that nobody had heard the same story as anyone else. The question was tentative and loaded, though she didn't seem to expect a detailed answer.

"Getting there. Thank you. It'll just take us some time to readjust."

"I understand. I hope you don't mind me saying, but.." she hesitated, "I just think it's terrible what they have made her do. Who would want to take a child away from its mother?" Perhaps she could see Tony wince, because almost immediately she inhaled, "I know it is none of my business. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, it's OK. It's just more complicated than I can explain. There wasn't much choice in the matter."

"Then ignore me."

Tony stayed mostly quiet after that, and his other colleagues didn’t seem to notice much – eating their food and focusing on each other. The afternoon was more of the same, working and a little shallow conversation about sports and periodically checking his phone and counting down the minutes until he could leave.

He thought his old colleagues from NCIS might be surprised by how he was now. Private. A lot of that was a symptom of having to protect Tali from this unnamed threat he knew was looming over Ziva’s head, but he’d also found himself struggling to trust people in general. Perhaps that was the reason he hadn’t bonded with his new colleagues the way he had his ones in DC – he wasn’t as easy to get on side with outside the job as he had been before. He was still trying to get his bearings.

Of course, this wasn’t just the case with new people. Any pop psychologist could tell him that a root of it was Ziva’s repeated entrances and exits into his life the past several years. It was hard for him to admit that the whole way home, half of him was wondering if she would have disappeared again. Left a note saying "someone's found me" or "I can't do this", and bolted.

It seemed too good to be true that she was just back now, for good, but when he entered the apartment he heard voices and found not only Ziva in the kitchen but Tali sat on the counter. Both had their sleeves rolled up and Tali was wearing an apron, and he could see even from his vantage point by the door that they were making dents around the edge of 3 circular pieces of dough laid out on the countertop.

He could have stood there for hours watching them, pinching himself, but Ziva was Ziva and no matter how quietly he thought he had entered she was always one step ahead.

"Hey. I did not expect you home until 5:30. How was work?"

"Fine, had a meeting. Hey, Tali. You're back early, too, huh?"

"I went out for a walk, I thought I would pick her up. Is that OK?"

Ziva seemed uncharacteristically coy - as though she expected it not to be. Tony dropped his bag and walked up to her, squeezing her around the shoulder and kissing her cheek.

"Of course it is. What are you making?"

"Pizza!" Tali exclaimed excitedly. "With dough! Ima said you would like a surprise."

"Sounds delicious, I can't wait. How was school?"

"Good. Alex got a cat."

"A cat, huh?"

Tony bent down to kiss the top of Tali's head. He picked up a piece of pepper from the pile on the chopping board, jumping away with it in his mouth to Tali's protests.

Ziva distracted Tali by directing her back to the task, spreading tomato sauce across the three pizza bases while Tali dropped fistfuls of grated cheese on top.

"And how was your day, Ima?"

"My day was OK, although I missed the two of you very much." Ziva's voice was bright and her intonation was clearly intended for Tali. "I got the milk stain out of the rug."

"See, Tali? No need to be upset. Accidents happen. But that's why you wait for Ima to help, huh?"

"I know. I wanted to make you a present."

"It was a nice idea, Tali. Here, why don't you decorate the pizzas? You can do them however you like."

Ziva followed Tony into the bedroom, standing in the doorway as he removed his jacket and tie.

"How was today, really?"

Ziva smiled wanly, façade dropping. "I was on edge. I tried to occupy my mind, which is how I ended up making pizza dough and deep-cleaning the rug and going on a walk and picking Tali up early. And I registered at the doctor’s surgery."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. It cannot go on like this. I don't want to."

"OK. That's good." Tony was undoing his shirt now but he stopped, crossing the room towards her. He placed his hands on her cheeks and drew her in for a slow kiss. "That's good."

They’d spoken a couple of times about her going to therapy or getting put on medication that didn’t come smuggled in a bag. He’d understood her reluctance – Ziva never having been one to enjoy engaging with health professionals, but her instinctive reactions had been weighted against her understanding that it was best for Tali that she did. Getting better for herself also meant getting better for Tali, and being a more well-rounded parent who was capable of providing the kind of support Tali needed.

Tony had been considering going to therapy himself too. He felt guilty he hadn't already taken the plunge years ago when he heard Ziva speaking about it like that; how important stability was for Tali. If Ziva had put herself out there, so would he. This week.

He continued shedding his suit with the aim changing into the t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms he'd left on the chair by the window yesterday. Ziva stayed in the doorway watching him as he undid his belt and removed his pants, and he looked at her expecting a grin or an innuendo rather than the thoughtful expression he received.

"What?"

“I missed you today.”

Her voice was throwaway, and casual, and it made Tony turn his body fully to look at her.

"I missed you too. Still getting used to having you back."

Ziva smiled and it just about reached her eyes as Tony looked away again to pick up his loungewear and put it on.

"How _was_ work?" Ziva emphasised the word as she asked again, perhaps expecting him to have kept things quiet around Tali in the same way she had.

"It was fine. Distracted, but y'know."

"It will get easier. For both of us."

"I hope so. Childminder say anything about Tali?"

"No problems."

"God, that kid.." Tony said quietly as he shrugged on his bottoms. It was incredible the way she had handled all of the change in her short life. Yes, there were tantrums, and attachment issues, but her ability to roll with the punches was remarkable. She didn't deserve to have to as much as she did.

"Perfect. I know. We got lucky."

"With us as parents? No luck involved."

Tony flashed his winning grin and watched as the smile spread across Ziva's face fully this time. It almost looked foreign to him - so long since she'd smiled like that, so freely and without something attached.

It had always been easy and it still _was_ easy in the ways that mattered - a smile, or a touch, or a kind word. They had never been more aware of their feelings for each other, or the fact that they fitted together as a unit. The issues were coming from within.

It was hard for Tony to explain that it wasn't Ziva he worried about, or doubted, but rather the things happening around her. The Deena Bashan's, and the Sahar's, and the voices in her head. After so many years of things coming between them, he supposed he was finding it hard to accept there was nothing left to be scared of. Still half of him waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He began hanging up his suit and Ziva was still standing in the doorway, though she threw her head over her shoulder in the direction of the kitchen.

"Is everything OK in there, Tali?"

"Uh-huh. Almost perfect." Came the eventual reply, and Tony nodded approval at Ziva as he placer the hanger in the wardrobe.

"Almost perfect pizza? No pressure."

"The toppings were nothing to do with me, just so you are aware."

"You're really trying to pass blame onto a 5 year old, huh?"

"I just think it is important you have a full understanding of events."

"Kay. So when I love it, you don't want any praise. Gotcha."

Ziva rolled her eyes at him as he turned past her and out of the room, returning to the kitchen to find Tali swinging her legs against the cupboard below where she sat on the counter, eating the bowl of grated cheese.

"If you eat all that there'll be none left for the pizzas." Ziva tutted good-naturedly, opening the oven door to put them inside.

"Abba says there's always enough ingredients to have a snack."

"Now why does that not surprise me?"

* * *

They ate their pizzas at the dining table, something Tony and Tali had never really gone for when it was just the two of them, but it seemed right to do now there was three. Tali started to eat hers in-between casting wistful glances at both of her parents', electing theirs looked better than hers and dropping hints the size of glaciers until they each gave her a slice.

They’d opened a bottle of wine as they ate and Tali laughed giddily as her parents stole glances at each other. Tony wondered not for the first time how much she understood; whether she fed off the energy between them. It was as though her behaviour was a projection of Tony and Ziva's interactions with one another, her happiness almost surreal, an innocent echo of Tony's internal battle.

They stayed sat at the table for a while after dinner, nobody too enthusiastic about cleaning up or doing any of their nightly routines. Tali told stories about her school-day, filled with fantastical tales from her imagination, and Ziva quietly took them in with a private smile. Tony again found that he'd made himself a peripheral figure, so keen to observe the strengthening relationship between the two people that meant more to him than anyone else in the world. He knew Ziva had been cautious when she first got back about how Tali would take to her - how much she'd even remember of her, if anything, but that was all a thing of the past.

Ziva refused to let Tony clean the table and he relented, sitting back and watching as she cleared plates and bent down reflexively to kiss Tali's head as she walked past and reminded herself out loud when she got to the kitchen to defrost the chicken later.

It was surreal, still, when Tony got in the shower and felt the hot water hit his face. The type of happy families he had never imagined for himself - and yes it was still tough, and there were things they were dealing with every day, but it was still so natural. Maybe that's why a part of him was almost refusing to acknowledge it as reality, too terrified of how he would react if it was taken away from him again.

When Tony left the shower he almost barrelled straight into Ziva and Tali, who were stood outside the door waiting. Tali was wearing a robe and Ziva had a handful of towels, giving Tony a bright smile and placing a hand on his wet cheek.

“I will help Tali have a shower. You get dressed.”

Tony got dressed with the door open, listening to the sound of their voices and the shower turning on from the bathroom down the hall.

He hung around in the bedroom for a minute looking listlessly around the room before his curiosity got the better of him.

He couldn't help himself watching the two of them together, and Ziva knew this, barely reacting as he opened the bathroom door and watched as she and Tali spoke. Ziva was sat on the toilet lid with her sleeves rolled up and a bottle of shampoo in her hands, and as she smiled knowingly at him before standing up to move into the shower he found himself hit again with the realisation that this was really happening. She was here, she was home, she was laughing as her shirt got soaked by water.

He'd spent the first few days in a haze, as though any moment he'd wake up. Even now, watching Ziva chatting and smiling as she washed _their daughter's_ hair, he worried that if he looked away or closed his eyes the illusion would shatter. Tony wondered what their past selves would say if they saw them now. They'd probably run a mile.

He watched as the two of them giggled and talked, Tali drawing in bubbles on the shower wall.

"Are you in or out? You are letting the steam out." Ziva eventually acknowledged his presence with a smile over her shoulder, and maybe he should've felt embarrassed that he'd been caught staring but he didn't at all, closing the bathroom door behind him and sitting lightly on the edge of the sink as Ziva shampooed Tali’s hair. Tali hated having the shampoo washed out of her hair, usually expecting tears, but Ziva was effortlessly gentle as she moved the showerhead over her crown, cupping her forehead calmly to allow the water to fall away from it.

As Ziva sat back down on the toilet seat, wiping the water from her arms as Tali finished washing herself, Tony couldn’t help but stare at her expression as she watched her daughter with a smile and think about how much she had missed out on. Bath times, and bedtimes, and holidays, and recitals. Out trying to stay alive while her daughter grew up without her.

Tony had been sure to take hundreds of photographs, feeling old as he placed them traditionally in albums and placed them away on shelves waiting for her to get back. He had given her a couple on the third night but, oddly, she had refused them – asking that they go through them together one day instead. Perhaps Tony should’ve expected it would be too overwhelming for her at first, coming to terms with what she had missed. How much had changed since she’d last been here.

It was obvious still when Ziva carried Tali wrapped in a towel into the bedroom – the little look of surprise on her face at how heavy she was, how it took her a moment to readjust to Tali’s size.

Ziva used some kind of spray as she brushed Tali’s hair, pulling the brush gently and stroking the top of her head as she did so. Tony had unintentionally hurt Tali enough times trying to brush her curls that he paid close attention, watching as Ziva sprayed as she detangled.

When Tali was dressed in fresh pyjamas, her wet hair now smooth and parted, the three of them end up squeezed together on a two-seater watching Moana. It was Tali's favourite film, but it had come out after Ziva had left her with Tony, and she had been horrified at the thought of her mother not having seen it.

Tony and Ziva sat on either side and Tali dropped herself unceremoniously between them, an arm and hand resting on each of their legs.

Tali only made it through half an hour before her eyelids started drooping, and Tony paused the film but she objected and grabbed his hand sleepily encouraging him to press play again. She managed five more minutes before she was asleep in the crevice between her parents, her back and head resting against Ziva's chest.

Neither of them was in any rush to move her, pausing the film and sitting quietly watching her rise and fall on Ziva’s chest.

“My arm is starting to fall asleep.” Ziva eventually whispered, looking up at Tony with hooded eyes and a mona lisa smile.

Tony stood up slowly, trying not to jostle the two of them, and then leaned down to pick Tali up from where she had slowly moulded more into Ziva’s lap. She was heavy now she was older, a dead-weight in his arms, but it made him feel nostalgic as he picked her up in his arms and her legs instinctively moved to hook around his waist as he settled her on his hip.

Ziva followed him into Tali’s bedroom with a hand on his back, reassuring of her presence, and when he lay Tali down slowly under the covers it was Ziva who bent down to tuck her in. She stroked her face a couple of times and Tony recognised the expression on her face.

There was something reassuring about Tali’s presence. Always had been, for Tony. It was as though the mere fact she existed was enough to anchor him and enable him to make sense of the world as everything else had changed around him. Being without Ziva but being with this piece of her that needed him so badly.

There were times at first - even when they hadn't been anything to each other for three years - where he missed her so much he couldn't breathe. He would sit up all night staring at this toddler he had never met before, who relied on him for everything, feeling more lost than he ever had in his life. Wondering how it was possible for everything to have changed so quickly. In a way, that was his primary motivation behind tracking Ziva down. It couldn't end like that.

And now, he watched her struggle in the same way to leave Tali alone. Not because she didn’t have Tony, but because Tali made sense. Tali was a constant, even when everything else was still up in the air.

Turning off Tali's bedroom light made Ziva hesitate more than anything else.

She'd thought herself ridiculous that first day, wiping her tears away fiercely as she stood in the doorway. She'd held Tony's offered hand for a minute before encouraging him to go to bed, and when she hadn't followed in half an hour he'd got up again to find her curled up in the chair at the foot of the bed. She'd come more willingly that time, tired bones and foggy brain preventing her from getting too caught up in the action of leaving Tali alone.

Tonight, though the action made her pause, it was only for a brief second before she pulled the door closed and walked away quietly.

Ziva re-entered the living area while Tony followed her, picking up her glass of wine and finishing it.

"What do you say, wanna finish Moana?"

"Tempting as that sounds, I do not think Tali would forgive us."

Tony moved in front of his DVD collection, scanning his eyes over the titles.

“Hey,” he turned at the sound of Ziva’s voice. She had sat down on the middle of the sofa, her legs underneath her. “Come here.”

“Don’t you want something to watch?”

“TV will do. Come.”

Ziva held her arm out towards him and it was such a comfortable, childlike move that Tony was weak to resist it. He walked over to her, grabbing her proffered hand and sitting deep back into the corner of the sofa. She immediately moved into him, and he raised his arm to put it around her. She curled into him.

"Tonight was nice."

"Yeah, it was."

"Did not need anything special, just an evening the three of us."

God, he didn't want to spoil this. Didn't want to ruin it by asking questions or expressing the fears that plagued him, opening this up from the peacefulness it had to the potential for heartache and upset.

“Did you worry about me today?”

“Yes. I do not know what I thought could happen to you in police headquarters, but I did.”

“I worried about you too.”

“I know you did. I know you do.” Ziva tucked her head further into his chest, pressing a kiss to his shirt. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

“For what?”

"You did not sign up for this."

“Neither did you.”

"I know. But I know the way that I am does not make it any easier. That is why things have to change – I cannot spend my entire life on edge worrying about the two of you whenever you’re out of sight. I need to learn to cope with this on my own. You will not always be there, and it is not fair for me to put it all on you all of the time."

"OK. You know I can help with that, though. Whatever you need. If what you need is for me to stop bothering you, then you tell me and I'll do it."

"I have been trying to ask you that for 15 years." Ziva's words were accentuated by the lazy kiss she pressed to Tony's lips before dropping her head again.

They watched television in silence for a few minutes, Tony listening to the sound of Ziva's heavy breathing as he drew light circles on the bare skin of her knee.

"While you were in the shower, Tali was telling me how you had promised her a trip to Disneyland this summer. Maybe the three of us could go together."

Tony hesitated, weighing his options. "Doesn't have to be this year. There's no rush."

"Should I not get tickets?"

"Just hold off for now."

"Why? Did you have other plans?"

"No, just.. we don't know what the situation’s going to be in the summer yet."

"What, you do not think I can go on holiday with my daughter? Is that it? You think I am that much of a mess that I cannot spent 3 days with Mickey Mouse?"

"No, it's not that."

"Then what, Tony?! What is it?" She sat up from under his arm, still half-leaning on him as she looked up at his face. In spite of the anger in her words her expression was anything but - worried, pleading, her eyes wide and dull kind of dark.

"I don't want you making promises to her that you aren't going to keep." His voice came out a little strangled, and forced, as though he was pushing out of a bottle.

"What does that mean?"

"I mean if you..." Tony exhaled, releasing tension from his words. "I mean we've spent the last 3 years waiting for you to come back. Even seeing you, once, and then you leaving again. And I don't want you getting her hopes up if you're going to leave again."

"Tony, someone was trying to kill me. I had to.."

"I know. But it's not the first time, is it?"

"Is this really about Tali?"

She'd said it now. No hiding behind anything else. Tony's heart instinctively quickened and it felt a little like losing control, though truthfully he didn't remember much of what control felt like anymore.

"No. It's not about Tali. It's about me. I'm trying really hard to believe you when you say you aren't going anywhere but I.. I just don't want to set myself up for a fall."

"You do not trust me anymore."

Ziva tried to extricate herself from Tony but he grabbed her hands, moving them towards him. Ziva pulled them away – but not combatively, or argumentatively, and sat forward properly so she could turn to look him in the eye. She added a "no, let me look at you," under her breath as though to comfort him.

"No, Ziva, no. That's the thing. I trust what you're saying - I trust you with anything. But... I don't know how to put it into words. I'm just a little scared. There's always been so much that's been out of our hands, or things that haven't gone how we planned. And now everything is settling down it's like I look at the present and the future and find it hard to connect the two."

Ziva softened, and then crumpled.

He bit down regret, reminding himself that they both knew home truths were the best way to move forward. There had been too many secrets over the years, and maybe they were over-correcting, but it seemed necessary.

This new era of their relationship - the starkly honest and up-front one, was as scary as it was reassuring. It was what they both needed though, days of secrets and hidden meanings long since behind them. Tony for one knew he didn't have it in him anymore to be constantly searching for the things that weren't being said.

"If I believe it and then something happens, or you leave.. I just can't do it again, Ziva.”

She was close to tears now. He knew this guilt was the one thing she didn’t address often. He thought about what she had said to him in Beersheba all those years ago; her feelings about how she brought pain into people's lives. He thought about what she had had to endure the last few years, and the costs people had suffered to protect her. He knew it must be eating her up inside.

“I’m so sorry I have done this to you, Tony. I wish you would not worry so much about me.”

“Please stop apologising. I don’t wanna blame you, it’s just.. _fuck,_ Ziva. When I fight for you, it’s as much for me as it is for you. I can’t do this without you. You understand that, right? That’s why I chase you halfway across the world, and I always will do. If you’re good, I’m good. That’s why it’s so important to me.”

It frightened him to admit that co-dependent side of himself - that facet of his being that couldn't stand to be away from her. He knew it wasn't normal. It wasn't a good or bad thing in his eyes, it was _their_ thing, just how they were. And yet somehow, inexplicably, a flicker of surprise flashed across Ziva’s face when she heard the words out loud. Even now.

If she really was surprised, it could only be that he had voiced what she already knew he felt. He was still getting better at that, but then that's what this was about. Getting better. Being open. Helping each other. And, maybe most importantly, not trying to fix each other.

Tony's journey to becoming Someone-Who-Says-Things had been a long one, and Ziva had been a driving force behind much of it. Ziva had always had her heart a little less on her sleeve, and maybe that was why now she was pausing and hesitating over her response to the words that had tumbled almost recklessly from Tony's mouth.

"You know this, right? You know I’ve been like this from the start." Tony prompted her, giving her a couple more seconds to measure her response.

"Yes, I do. It is a little different when you are confronted with it so boldly, but I do." The tears that had been threatening in the corner of her eyes a moment ago were wiped away purposefully. “You know while I was away, a part of me wondered if you only kept a connection to me because of Tali. After so long apart I dared not get my hopes up that outside of Tali you would still feel what it is between us. I suppose that is what's the same with you - it is natural when we have not been able to offer each other any kind of reassurance."

"Not that we ever actually told each other how we felt in the first place."

"No, that is true. But I knew I wanted to be with you.” There was a briefly insecure flicker in her eyes, and Tony fought the urge to kiss the lip she was biting. He swallowed instead. “And it is not a temporary feeling that's going to go away one day. For all I am not certain of, I know that for a fact. And I cannot control anything externally, but I can control that. Whenever I needed something to keep fighting for while I was away, I remembered the two of you here together. That is all I needed. But whether in reality you would forgive me, or accept me, I did not know. I thought it naive to imagine you would."

Tony knew it was experience that would lead her to have those insecurities in the same way it had done him - endless near-misses over the years leaving them vulnerable and doubtful. "No," he reassured, "whatever I was waiting for while you were gone, the only eventuality I ever saw was the three of us together. For real. Tali having both her parents and us both having each other."

"Both her parents." The topic moved on a tangent a little as Ziva considered the words, apparently still as much of a novelty to her as they were to Tony. “I think it is a miracle I got through it, with how much I missed her. I have you to thank for that – the faith I had in you to protect her.”

“I can’t imagine. God knows I tried to. Which is why I knew I had to stay here to take care of her: it’s what she needed, and it’s what you needed too. If Tali was safe, one less thing for you to think about.”

"Thank you."

"Why?"

"Because I’m scared a lot of the time, and you were one of the only things I could rely on."

The words had connotations - things that Tony tried not to think about. He did his best to cast thoughts of what Ziva had been through while she was away out of his mind, only acknowledging them when she did. It hurt, and settled in his chest, but it was always going to.

"I should've been there."

"No. You did the right thing."

"I know I did. But still, I _should've_ been there."

Ziva ran fingers down his jaw, her head tilted as she stared somewhere in the middle-distance. “That is why you feel this way now?”

"Look at it from my side. You've been in pain all these years, fighting for your life, by yourself. It was bad enough while you were gone and my imagination was running wild but knowing it all now.." Tony tried to exhale a shaky breath. "So if there's anything and everything I can do now to help, to keep you around, it's not gonna be easy to hold me off.”

“That is not your responsibility, Tony.”

“Isn’t it?”

"No. It’s not. You are going to make yourself ill. And believe me, I would not wish it on anyone. Least of all you."

"Ziva.."

"No, Tony. Listen to me." Tony stopped talking as Ziva grabbed his hands tightly, looking down at them and then back up at his eyes with impenetrable sincerity plastered across her face. "As much as I worry about you and Tali, I know you are worrying about me too. And maybe it is a different kind of worry and there are different reasons behind it, but that does not stop it being a reality. You are carrying everything on your shoulders. You do not have to be strong for us all the time."

"You think this is me being strong?" Tony laughed a little, drily. "Believe me, I'm a mess."

"This is what I mean. Don't bottle that up. It is not fair if I am the only one having breakdowns every day."

Tony caught the twinkle in Ziva's eye, and they chuckled. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, watching as she ducked her head a little and dropped her gaze. He turned serious again. “I'm sorry that I question things sometimes. And I’m sorry that I’m sceptical still.. maybe that’s why I try to do so much, to make it easier for you like it’ll help you stick around.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Tony. Maybe my word is not enough to reassure you, and I understand that. I will show you. OK? I will show you. You say present vs future. For me it is past vs present. But you cannot control what will happen a year from now just as much as I cannot control what has happened in the year past. I think we are not allowing ourselves to open up to things because we are scared, and maybe that is to be expected. But there is nothing we can do to affect anything except what is happening right now."

“A fresh start.”

“Yes, exactly that.” Ziva was strangely philosophical tonight, and though she had always been capable of it Tony could barely remember a time when she was so open and blunt in a discussion like this. She could see right through him, as always: knew exactly what it was he needed. "What can I do to help that? Tell me if there is anything you need from me."

"From now on, we do this together. No more hiding the truth."

"You know I had no choice in hiding it. If I told you, you’d have come.”

"I know. But we don't have to do that anymore. Cards all on the table. And no more running away – I mean that for both of us. Physically or metaphorically. We're going to talk about things, keep being open like this. Don't put up a front, and especially don't hold back because you're worried about how I might react. No matter what's on your mind."

"The same goes for you. You think I do not know; the way you hesitate to tell me what you are feeling because you're worried I will feel guilty that I caused it. Do not police yourself like that for my benefit, please. I will only feel more guilty if I see you struggling on your own."

"OK."

Ziva raised her hands to Tony’s cheeks, holding his face. It was delicate but there was an urgency about it, a pleading in her eyes that Tony recognised as having so often directed towards her.

"Promise me. If I am, you are too."

"I can promise to try and do better."

"Good. Because it is not just the two of us anymore. And me and you - we are a team, yes?

“Just like old times."

"Not _exactly_ like old times."

"No, you're right. No more one step forward two steps back, or things coming between us. We’re pulling in the same direction now. Always."

"Always." Ziva repeated.

Tony was reminded of a conversation they'd had on one of Ziva's first nights back, one of their first _real_ conversations. Ziva had spoken candidly about healing and recovery, how it was something she'd never truly followed through with in a productive or meaningful way before. Tony had to admit the same was true for him, baggage he had held onto for decades before settling it.

But this - this was processing. It felt meaningful, and purposeful, and the conversations they had actually felt like they were achieving something rather than contributing to denial or bravado like the conversations he had always favoured in the past.

It wasn't easy to be vulnerable, but having a reason to be so made it that much easier.

* * *

They settled back down to watch television after that, the air between them calm but positively charged, conversation still running in each of their heads.

Ziva ended up curled back further into Tony, her hand across his stomach rubbing his hip absently. She kissed the side of his neck affectionately a few times, and after one such instance Tony pulled his head back so he could look at her.

He thought he could see tears welling in her eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Tony."

She lay her head back down again, and Tony wasn't sure how much time passed but the TV show he hadn't been watching ended and he felt his eyes droop closed a few times.

He eventually flicked the TV off using the remote, and the two of them sat in silence for a few seconds before chuckling a little.

"What do you want to do?"

"Let's go to bed. It's late."

"It is 10:35pm."

"Don't tell anyone I said that." Ziva sat up as Tony talked and looked back at him as he winked comfortably at her. She smiled relentingly. "I didn't realise how much work had taken it out of me."

"Hopefully I will sleep better tonight."

"It'll take time. That's OK. Plus, you got into the doctors today."

"As soon as they confirm me as a patient I will be booking an appointment."

"Come on, we should go to bed. Someone has to be up to take Tali in the morning."

"We could both go."

"Fair and square, huh?"

"We did say we were a team. Plus, don't act like you aren't the early riser out of the two of us."

"I will give you that."

"I'll even throw in breakfast for you while we're out."

"Breakfast, hmm? If you are going to be that tired, maybe we should come straight back home and get into bed."

Tony caught the twinkle in Ziva's eye, the quirk in her eyebrow, and exhaled a smile. "You might be right, I _am_ pretty exhausted. A day under the covers might be just what I need."

Atmosphere well and truly reset, the two of them quietly made their way around the apartment, tidying and getting ready for bed.

They were quiet once they both got into the bedroom, both of them were evidently feeling fragile, smiling as they caught each other’s eyes. As Tony went to get a glass of water Ziva drifted over to the bookshelf by the desk, head tilting as she looked at the spines of notebooks and photo albums and English-French dictionaries. When she came across the albums Tony had collected, she paused and ran her hands over them.

"What are you doing?"

"Would you mind if we had a look at one of these albums before bed? Together?"

"Sure we can." Tony answered after a slim pause, his smile easy and intimate. He placed fingers over Ziva's where they were resting on a spine, lifting them gently and moving them along the shelf until they settled on the album from summer 2017. Her hand moved easily under his touch, fingers twisting so the pads touched. Ziva smiled as Tony closed the space between their bodies a little, leaning his front against her back as he leaned into her to help grab the album.

"This one is a good one to start with."

Ziva sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed, placing the book down carefully on her lap as though it was an antique. Tony sat next to her, legs stretched out in front of him, and leaned towards her so he had a good view.

"You and your photographs." she said wistfully, and Tony remembered the day he had first spoken to her about his mother - the grainy polaroid and The Little Prince and the way he had spent the afternoon ducking his head feeling her staring at him. "Did you make these yourself?"

"Didn't really _make_ them, but I put the photographs in."

Ziva lifted her hand to Tony's head, kissing him slowly.

"What was that for?"

"Sorry I turned them away when you offered them to me before. I was not sure how I would react, seeing everything that I missed out on."

"There'll always be here when you're ready."

That counted for a lot more than photographs.

"I really would like to see them."

Ziva turned the first page slowly, as though afraid of what she would find.

Tony looked at the photos as the pages turned. Tali in a swimming costume and Tony's sunglasses, building a sandcastle on the beach. A selfie of the two of them on Tali's bed, Tony pulling a face at the camera and Tali looking at him with a wide grin on her face. One taken by Senior on a busy street, Tali sat on his shoulders and Tony with his arms raised in the air, holding her hands.

It was this one that made Ziva take pause the most. Tony watched as she ran a thumb over the photograph, tracing his features. He looked up at her and saw the small smile on her face.

“Seeing you from afar, seeing you in photographs.. it is not the same as getting to see the two of you up close.”

She continued to turn the pages, and Tony felt as though he was intruding on something, watching her face and observing the intimate way she pored over them. Their knuckles occasionally brushed against each other and the feeling flickered with electricity each time, as though they had known each other for 5 minutes rather than the best part of 20 years.

“It makes you look handsome. Being a father.”

"Sure you aren't just biased?"

"No, look at you. You are so at peace when you are around her. And it is the same for Tali, too. She's so happy when she is with you."

"We bonded quickly. I didn't realise how quickly you could connect to your kid, even when it isn't a newborn baby. I think she came into my life at the right time. Even without everything that was going on with you, I needed something. I needed her."

"I felt the same when I found out I was pregnant. She gave me a purpose. Still does, actually. I think if it was not for her.." Ziva stopped talking, looking down at a photo of Tali stood on a fence at the zoo, pointing at a giraffe. "Well, if she was not waiting for me I probably would have given up on everything with Sahar a long time ago."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"Me too. Everything has worked out right in the end."

Tony found himself stifling yawns as they reached nearer the end of the book, and when he raised his hand to cover his mouth Ziva watched him and closed the back page.

“You wanted to go to bed, and look at me.” She smiled, putting the book on the floor next to her side.

“I was enjoying it too.”

“I am sure you would enjoy sleep more. We can look again tomorrow.”

Tony couldn’t argue with that, his eyelids getting heavier by the second in the harsh artificial light. He shuffled up the bed to the pillows to climb underneath the covers while Ziva got up to turn the lights out. They were encased in darkness, and Tony blinked a few times to readjust his eyesight as Ziva got back into bed.

It was strange, sharing a bed with someone after so long. He’d spent much longer than anyone should sleeping in a single bed, and when he’d moved to Paris he’d insisted on ‘growing up’ even if the other side of the bed had screamed emptiness at him when he climbed in every night. He hadn’t realised before how comforting and familiar the simple weight of someone else on a mattress could be. They didn’t even need to be touching for him to feel Ziva’s presence, though they often were, and more often than not he would wake up to find Tali stowed somewhere in the bed too.

Tony lay on his back and he moved his arm loosely around Ziva’s shoulders as she turned on her side towards him. He flicked his eyes to the side to look at her, and found her staring at him with a soft expression.

“What?”

“I like watching you sleep. You look peaceful.”

“Probably wouldn’t be so peaceful if I knew I had an audience.” Tony’s tone was light but affectionate, a heaviness in their teasing.

“There is not much else to look at when you cannot sleep. I try to avoid moving in case it wakes you up.”

“I don’t mind you waking me up. I’d rather you did.”

Ziva looked at Tony with what briefly threatened to be pity before it turned into a type of adoration that made Tony’s stomach tighten. She stroked along his hairline slowly as he closed his eyes.

“Go to sleep, hm? I feel better knowing you are asleep."

"'Kay." Tony mumbled quietly, allowing the feeling of her fingertips slowly stroking his hair to lull him.

“And don’t worry, Tony. We will be OK.” Tony’s eyes snapped open at Ziva’s quiet voice, and her brow furrowed. “Something wrong?”

“No, just..” Tony chuckled a little in disbelief. “I imagined you saying that once. A long time ago.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ashes to ashes s2e2:
> 
> "Thank you."  
> "Why?"  
> "Because I'm scared a lot of the time and you were one of the only things I could rely on."


End file.
